reflections

245:365


I feel like this week has sort of been like a bad episode of a equally horrible game show... and I keep expecting an announcer to come out of the shadows and tell me what prize I have one...
will it be door number one ... or door number two... or the box that Carol is holding?

Not to say that there haven't been awesome moments... and generally... it has been fine. It's just every now and then... I feel like I am completely and utterly lost...
Like I have misplaced something really important and I can't remember where I've left it.

Realistically, I know that I have done things... but it feels as if there is so much to do yet...
and I can't help but feel occasionally like I am merely treading water.

That said... tonight I got to visit with a cousin that I really haven't known very well, but have the opportunity to get to know better now. It is amazing to me how alike we are in so many ways... having not had a whole lot of contact with each other over the years. One of those great mysteries I suppose...or perhaps there is more to genetics than most of us care to admit...

Today's ride was a brief one.... taken while my mom was busy with an appointment. I drove out Dingman Run Road... and made a couple odd turns onto other roads... just to go down some areas I had not seen before. Perhaps that is where we learn and experience the most... by taking side "roads" in life... just exploring... and being open to whatever lies ahead
... no matter if there is a "big prize" or not...

*photos by Elaine A. Russell

107:365


I feel as if I am closing the door on something. I can't explain it. ... nor do I really want to think about it. All day I have been depressed. I am sure it has alot ot do with my back really really hurting, and the knowledge that I am leaving in the am. It is physical, and emotional ... all tied up into one big ball of string.... endlessly rolling about on the floor and tangling me up.

And so. I forced myself to take some motrin... take a hot shower... and go and take some photos. I didn't go far... I didn't really need to. There are so many things in this part of the country that I would love to be able to take photos of. Today was a strange day weather-wise... raining... snowing... and the sun trying to peak through the clouds very briefly... it was odd. Many would consider this bad weather to try and take photos in... but it was still alot of fun for me.

Kristin and I are leaving in the am. We have put it off as long as possible... knowing that my parents really need help. But the reality is, is that my son is getting married on friday... and if I have any hope of showing up on time ... I need to go.

This has been a bizarre few weeks.... full of happiness, trauma, illness, joy AND pain... it has been a wild ride. I am hoping that things will begin to settle down soon...

And so... I am off to work on some laundry, and to try to go to sleep before 1am so that we can begin the journey tomorrow....






---------------------------------> all photos by Elaine A. Russell

wintertime reflections


"winter" photo by Elaine A. Russell. Taken TTV with a vintage Brownie Hawkeye
... my very first camera.


The year is winding down rather quickly. I am finding that I have several projects that I would like to finish before the new year...phone calls to make... business taxes to do... etc. This way I can start off the new year "fresh."
This past year has been a difficult one on many levels... friendships that have come and gone... people who have passed in and out of my life... health issues... money issues... kids growing up and getting ready to move on to their own exciting adventures...remodeling and working on the house...no longer having any pro camera equipment...making some major career decisions...
And yet; these seemingly troublesome issues have brought goodness. New friends. New people in my life... a resurgence of good health...a simpler lifestyle...a moving on to a new phase of my life...re-inventing and becoming more creative with my photography...discovering what is really important to me...

In the whole scheme of things... alot of what we(I) worry about is trivial. Sometimes it takes events and transitions to make us reflect more and figure out what truly is necessary to this life. What moves us. What makes us happy. What could possibly change things for the better... not just for me in my little corner...but possibly for someone else as well.

I've never been one for making resolutions for the new year. It seems like a self defeating prophecy of sorts...at least for me. I prefer to think of each new year as a new opportunity for growth and change. For explorations inward and outward bound. To meet new friends... to learn.
What will this next year hold? Who knows. But I am looking forward to the adventure.


pain



photos by Elaine A. Russell

i have been having problems with some really bad pain for about 3 weeks now... and it is definately wearing me out. emotionally and otherwise. so....as I lay awake trying not to notice it, it got me thinking about all the aspects of pain.

pain is such a subjective thing.
what may be painful for some, is just an annoyance to others. some are so used to chronic pain that nothing phases them. others, every little thing is one more straw that breaks them in two. pain spans the compass from emotional to physical and back again. it is transcendent. it can take you to terrible places, and yet it can also help you to rise above and bask in an altered state. pain can make you feel like you are dying, and it can also make you feel alive.
pain is part of the body's defense system, triggering a reflex reaction to retract from a painful stimulus -- yes, it actually protects us while it is inflicting us at the same time.
pain knows no prejudice. it rains on everyone without distinction. it crosses all barriers, ethnicity, age, and social status.
many great people have commented on pain actually being a gift- to help them towards enlightenment... and yet, it is also seen as punishment.
pain is immeasurable. there is even a problem known as Phantom pain.... pain from a limb that is no longer even there.
there is even Psychogenic pain, pain that is profoundly exacerbated by mental illness.
there is pain that is even preferred by some.. sought out purposefully... to bring pleasure.
pain is individual, and it can be pandemic.
here is a great link on the subject:

connections -- reflection -- communication



photos by Elaine A. Russell



Communication. An ability we automatically take for granted, and yet.. so easy to completely screw up. Just a tone.. just a mis-used word... can change the entire context of a conversation... and bring things into a completely different light.

As an example... did you know that the word SET has the most definitions of any word in the english language? Yep. SET has 464 definitions in the Oxford English Dictionary.

And then... Even with people you have great connections with, it can sometimes go astray. And then there's the whole emotional context that can go along with things.. and completely cause us to muddle things up. A mis-interpretation, a misunderstanding... it can all mess us up.

I think I read somewhere that the english language is the hardest one to learn. Actually -- I think it's broader than that. I think it's the language of trust. To be able to get past supposed transgressions; and move on to closer, more solid ground with each other.

I am so glad to have good friends. I am so grateful that my hubby really knows me-- and still loves me. I am grateful for my kids who laugh with me... and not at me ( or at least.. not to my face). Such simple things...and yet, so important.